Rantings Diversified

I received this as an email from one of my sisters. I immediately called a friend who works in HR at the PA state Dept. of the Conservation of Natural Resources (DCNR) and she told me it is real though the names were changed …I guessed to protect some moron gub’mint clerk with the IQ of an after dinner mint. She concoured.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania . A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials, “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of
all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren’t the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation –
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2007?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will
be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The
bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

The last post was met with a lot of grief so I deleted it. I thought it would have been a funny thing to see how everyone would have put together their ideas but apparently most of you either thought I was going to or just thought it was too morbid so it’s gone. I’m working on a new post and I’ll put it up when its completed.

“While the storm clouds gather far across the sea,
Let us swear allegiance to a land that’s free,
Let us all be grateful for a land so fair,
As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer. ”

God Bless America,
Land that I love.
Stand beside her, and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America, My home sweet home.

Now I’m really almost finished with the area in front of the kitchen window.  The window box still needs scraped and painted and the Mugho Pine needs to be potted and wired into shape but the area is finally starting to take shape.

This is the coolest rake ever made. It’s really cheap too. You see the tines on the rake retract up the handle to make it a dethatching rake or push them all the way out to make it a leaf rake. It is one of the handiest tools I own.

HEADQUARTERS GRAND ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC

General Orders No.11, WASHINGTON, D.C., May 5, 1868

1. The 30th day of May, 1868, is designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost every city, village, and hamlet church-yard in the land. In this observance no form of ceremony is prescribed, but posts and comrades will in their own way arrange such fitting services and testimonials of respect as circumstances may permit.We are organized, comrades, as our regulations tell us, for the purpose among other things, “of preserving and strengthening those kind and fraternal feelings which have bound together the soldiers, sailors, and marines who united to suppress the late rebellion.” What can aid more to assure this result than cherishing tenderly the memory of our heroic dead, who made their breasts a barricade between our country and its foes? Their soldier lives were the reveille of freedom to a race in chains, and their deaths the tattoo of rebellious tyranny in arms. We should guard their graves with sacred vigilance. All that the consecrated wealth and taste of the nation can add to their adornment and security is but a fitting tribute to the memory of her slain defenders. Let no wanton foot tread rudely on such hallowed grounds. Let pleasant paths invite the coming and going of reverent visitors and fond mourners. Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten as a people the cost of a free and undivided republic.If other eyes grow dull, other hands slack, and other hearts cold in the solemn trust, ours shall keep it well as long as the light and warmth of life remain to us.Let us, then, at the time appointed gather around their sacred remains and garland the passionless mounds above them with the choicest flowers of spring-time; let us raise above them the dear old flag they saved from dishonor; let us in this solemn presence renew our pledges to aid and assist those whom they have left among us a sacred charge upon a nation’s gratitude, the soldier’s and sailor’s widow and orphan.
2. It is the purpose of the Commander-in-Chief to inaugurate this observance with the hope that it will be kept up from year to year, while a survivor of the war remains to honor the memory of his departed comrades. He earnestly desires the public press to lend its friendly aid in bringing to the notice of comrades in all parts of the country in time for simultaneous compliance therewith.
3. Department commanders will use efforts to make this order effective.
   By order of
   JOHN A. LOGAN,
   Commander-in-Chief
   And so began our observance of Memorial Day. It was renamed and the date changed to the last Monday in May in 1971 so gub’mint employees could have yet another 3 day weekend. This Monday we shall celebrate those who sacrificed all in defense of our country.
   So if you value your freedom, thank a veteran.

You can click on the pics to embiggyalize them.
This is what in front of my kitchen window use to look like.

This is what it looked liked earlier this afternoon.
It’s almost finished.
So what do you think? Was it a good move?
I’ll add another picture tomorrow when it’s completed.
The Azaela it the second photo is going to be hacked back into shape after it’s finished blooming.

I may not be adding new posts for a few days. I have bushes to decapitate and discard and bricks need layed down in fancy patterns. I have to put large Chinese pots in place and window boxes need painted. The aforementioned pots needs to be filled with soil and plants need to be transplanted into said pots. So I’ll be right black, you guys stay white there

Acura
All Cars Usually Require Adjustment
Awful Crappy Unreliable Rusty Automobile

Audi
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Bad Mannered Wankers
Bastard Money Wielders
Bavarian Manure Wagon
Bayerisher Mist Wagen (Bavarian shit-car in german)
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Big Money Waste
Big Money Waster
Big Money Works
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
Break My Windows
Broken Money Waster
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Brutal Money Waster
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch

Buick
Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

Chevrolet
Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
Cheap Hardly Efficient Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cranks Hard Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time
Crappy Hot-Running Engines Very Rusted Out Lose Every Time

Chevy
Charged Heavily
Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet

Chrysler
Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative’s

Citroen
Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters

Dodge
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere

Fiat
Failure in Automotive Technology
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fix it again Tony!
Fix It All the Time

FORD
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Fault Of R & D
Federation Of Rusty Dungers
Ferociously Overpowered Road Demon
First on race day
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Fix Or Repair Daily
Flip Over Read Directions
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
For Old Retired Dudes
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Forlorn Old Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Formed Of Rejected Dna
Found On Road Dead
Found On Roadside Dump
Found On Roof Demolished
Found On Rubbish Dump
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto’s
Frequent Opinion Really Disappointed
Frequent Overhaul Rapid Deterioration

GTI
Got Tossers Inside

Holden
Heavy Oil Leaks Deafening Engine Noise
Hold On Love Damn Engines Nackered
Hope Our Luck Doesn’t End Now
Horrible Obscene Loud Disgusting Engine Noises

Honda
Had Odd Noises Daily Also
Had One Never Did Again
Hand Over Dollars to Asians
Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile
Helping Out Nips Destroying America
Hold On No Damn Anchor
Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
How Odd-No Damn Acceleration

Hyundai
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive…

Jeep
Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts
Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole.
Jumps Everything Ever Parked
Junk Electrical and Emissions Parts
Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts
Just Everyone Elses Parts

MOPAR
More Old Parts and Rust
Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mostly Over Powered And Respected
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
Move Over People Are Racing
Mutilates Other Products At Races
My Old Pig Aint Runnin’

Oldsmobile
Oh Look Dammit Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel
Overpriced Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular LeftoverEquipment

Pontiac
Plenty Of Noises That Irritate And Clank
Poor Old Nigger Thinks It’s A Cadillac

Porsche
Phased Out Racer-Still Can’t Hold Engine
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions

Renault
Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash

Saab
Send Another Automobile Back
Stupid Arrogant Asshole Babies
Such an arrogant bastard!
Swedish Automobile – Always Broken
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

Toyota
Taking Our Yen Out — Thanks All
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Triumph
The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

Volvo
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Very Old Ladies Vehicle Only

VW
Very Worrying
Very Worthless
Virtually Worthless

Today is election day here in the Commonwealth of Pennsyl-tucky. We are going to the polls to elect our local commisioners, judges, dog cathers, town criers, ferriers, prothonataries and other useless pieces of tax sucking shit.

The big deal this year is a referendum called ACT 1. This is our state representatives way of making sure we pay more taxes wrapped in a cloke of property tax reduction. They have come up with a phenominally complicated 3 card monty scheme to confuse everyone in the state. Fortunately there have been many in the radio press rallying against this. It goes something like this…….

Each and every school district will give a flat rebate to home owners on property tax paid. The rebate does not apply to commercial, business or rental properties. It doesn’t matter how much property tax you pay everyone gets the same rebate. Then a new income tax will be levied to make up the difference but this tax is based on your income so if you make more than a certain amount (different in every school district) your overall tax bill will go up. If you live and own a business in a certain school district then your tax bill will skyrocket. My school district is Central Dauphin and the break even point is $17,800 a year. If one makes more than that then their tax bill will rise more than the $330 they might get back if and only if they own a house.

So in effect our Governor, Commandant Rendel, the former Clintonista and former head of the DNC, has pitted one citizen against another. Renters are screwed any way you look at this referedum. Elderly folk and those on a fixed income will make out by a few bucks a year.

Our government lackeys are all running around trying to tell us this is a tax reduction.

What the fuck?!?

Shakespear said it best, “The first thing we have to do is kill all the lawyers.”

UPDATE: ACT1 was defeated in my school district 63% to 37% and appears to have been defeated all over the state.