Rantings Diversified

Apparently Granddad woke up on the wrong side of the bed and noticed that Twenty Major lumped him with all the rest of the NON-smoking bloggers.

Twenty responded as you would have expected him to do so….with lots swearing and an insult. Well Grandad got on his high horse (No he’s been off heroin for awhile now) and loosed his giant Tiger or Lion or something like that, named Tiddles, on Twenty. Well Grannymar is upset because Herself hasn’t been heard from in days. She has recruited Dario Sanchez and John in Dublin to help figure this problem out. I offered to see what I could do to help.
I called K8 the Gr8 but I got her answering machine. She was out hiking the Himilayas with King Wouldye of Labrador.
I also made an emergency phone call to the Jefferson Davis’ compound down south but he was gone to the local cafe chatting up some ginger waitress. I tried both Kav and The Swearing Lady but Kav was slurring his speech and going on about how GlenLivit is shite compared to Jamesons. I hung up on him. The Swearing Lady was getting ready to go bar hopping and she was ranting on about how one just can’t find a decent pair of heels in Galway. I can’t understand her accent. I then contacted the RAF and asked if they could do a quick flyover to make sure everything is alright. They claimed not to know where Ireland is so I called NASA and asked if they could point one of their satellites that way and check up on this situation. They sent me 137 pages of forms to fill out and then I have to submit it to a review panel that won’t be back at work until June.
I called the government of France but they kept yelling something about the pate not being done yet.
I then contacted the German Luftwaffe but apparently they all have been out drinking heavily since last Wednesday.
I finally got through to the 193^rd Special Operations Wing Command of the Pennsylvania Air National Guard and asked them if they could pop over and find out what’s going on.

They have reported back to me and here are the super-secret spy photos they forwarded to me.

That is the REAL Tiddles.

Here’s Grandad and Herself after the Gardai arrived.

It looks like Twenty made it home from the pub.

Well things settled down by Easter Sunday morning and we all had a nice Easter dinner together as witnessed below.

You live for summer and fall, when street fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.
You know what REAL potpie is.
You ask the waitress for “dippy eggs” for breakfast.
You consider Pittsburgh to be “out west,” and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
You call sloppy joes, “barbecue”.
When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
The first day of Buck season and the first day of Doe season are school holidays.
One of the highlights of your life was a field trip to Penn’s Cave and Ringing Rocks
You know the time and location of every “wing night” in a 20 mile radius.
You don’t think people from Philly talk funny.
All of your childhood vacations were trips to the Jersey shore.
Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You find 20 degrees just a little chilly.
Words like “hoagie” and “chipped ham” actually mean something to you.
You can use the phrase “fire hall wedding reception” and not even bat an eye.
You think nothing of an Amish buggy on the road.
You constantly refer to Pennsylvania as “PA” (pronounced Pee-ay). How many other states do that?
You can go 2 weeks in winter without sunshine and think this is normal.
There is no such thing as a “Philly Cheesesteak”. Its just called a Cheesesteak since everybody knows where they come from.
“Vacation” means going to Hershey Park for the weekend.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat and fish.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend or wife knows how to use them.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the mini-mart at any given time.
You can actually eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. Those from NY find this “barbaric”.
You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know that it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.
At least 5 people on your block (for the city folks) have electric “candles” in all or most of their windows all year long.
You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Lebanon Bologna and Hot Bacon Dressing.
You can’t go to a Pennsylvania Wedding without hearing the “Chicken Dance”.
You think only God has the proper resume to take over after Joe Paterno leaves Penn State.
To the rest of the world, Hooters is a restaurant chain. To you it’s a band from Philadelphia.
You can easily spell and pronounce last names like Wojciechowski and Ricigliano.
You’ve eaten coal candy.
You don’t think a stripping hole is an adult club.
You think A-Treat soda is a national brand.
You still have halupkies on New Years day.
You want to scream every time a newscaster tries to pronounce Schuylkill.
You’re shocked to find out no one in your office knows what Yuengling beer is.
People wonder why you’d bet dollars to donuts on anything.
No matter where you live, you still think it’s warmer than Frackville.
You’re the only person on your street that “straightens up the house” before guests come over.
You can dodge potholes at 55 MPH.
You get misty-eyed when you see Mrs. T’s pierogies in the frozen food aisle.

You actually understand these jokes.

A hat tip to Wordnerd for motivating me into digging these up