Rantings Diversified

16 years ago I bought a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake skin wallet. About 7 years ago I retuned to the Eastern Sports and Outdoors show in an attempt to find the guy I bought my first one from and get another. The only thing I found out was that the guy I bought it from had died. Oh well, how difficult can it be to find a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake skin wallet. Haha!

Fast forward to yesterday. For the past three days I have been handling my old wallet VERY carefully because it finally fell apart and all my cards and money and whatnot would fall all over if I did not handle it just so. So I walk into SprawlMart and find the Gifts/Jewelry area and I look over the offerings and decide on a nice black bi-fold leather wallet. I turn to the Jewelry counter and I ask the extremely overweight lady behind the counter if I need to pay for it there or at the checkouts at the front of the store. She begrudgingly agrees to ring me up there. It came to $10.21. I handed her a 20 dollar bill. Pause. Then I remembered all the singles and change in my pocket and I didn’t want any more so I pull out a dollar bill and hand it to her saying, “Oh wait I have a one.” So I hand her a dollar bill. She stops dead in her tracks and several looks of confusion, anger, sadness, stupidity and probably hunger came over her face all at the same time. She paused with flashing glances between the change in her hand and the cash register. After quite a long dramatic pause she takes about three steps to her left and picks up a calculator. At this point I lose it and say out loud, “You have GOT to be kidding me? Give me a ten and the change from 21 cents! By the way that comes to 79 cents!!!”. The 30-something, grossly overweight, semi-evolved simian behind the counter proceeds to give me two fives and two dimes and a penny. By this time I’m in full out WTF mode. So I felt the need to exclaim, “You are proof that our public schools are broken. Last time I checked when you subtract 21 from 100 you get 79 as in you owe me 79 cents change!!!”. I slammed the 21 cents she had given me on the counter and she counts out 79 cents, hands it to me and I walk away muttering, just loud enough to be heard……Fuckin’ Idiots

Why did I go that bastion of American uselessness anyways? Because I was in the neighborhood and thought maybe, just maybe this time I won’t leave there muttering swear words and insults under my breath.

Silly me. So the moral of the story is, the next time I consider walking into a SprawlMart I shall first consider self flagellation like some Buddhist priest who is pissed off about some war or something.

Christmas shopping should be outlawed
15 December, 2001
It seems to happening to me a lot lately. First, I drove to the Lancaster Outlets on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and then today I took to the streets to go Christmas shopping. My God, what was I thinking!! Ha! It was just two slight departures from reality. Many years ago while writing an invitation to a Christmas party I formulated the theory that there are huge farms in Iowa or Nebraska, or any one of those states that we harbor just a bit of doubt as to their existence, that breed bad drivers and rude people. These people are released in to the world on the day after Thanksgiving and returned to these breeding co-operatives at an unspecified time after the New Year. My theory was confirmed once again today. The highways and streets of the Harrisburg East Shore are not fit for human habitation. Now I shall be the first to admit that my Suzuki may not go that fast but when I drive at 70mph in the right lane and someone pulls up behind me and flashes their lights and beeps their horn, like I’m suppose pull into the LEFT lane to let them by, I have to laugh out loud and point my finger at them and laugh some more. Oh yea’ and slow down too. Of course scattered about my travels was the requisite kids in their 84 Honda Accord with $4000.00 worth of wheels and a thumpin’ car stereo from Harrisburg Radio Lab belching out the most recent fodder from DMX, Kid Rock or another equally as bad. They are trying like hell to get in front of anyone and everyone. Once arriving at my destination I had to navigate the store parking lots, which I can only figure, suspend all traffic laws and codes of conduct for this brief holiday period. Twice today I encountered people yelling and screaming at each other over a parking space. At one of these trysts I stopped and rolled my window down and wished them both a, “Merry Christmas”. One of the women involved requested that I perform an act on myself that I’m somewhat sure is physically impossible. At this point I had braved the roads and parking lots now it was time to venture into the actual store itself. Ha! Haha! What a hoot! I don’t remember the general public having a stress level this high in a long time. It appeared to me that everyone was way too pissed off and in a hurry. I really enjoyed my stroll about the store kinda’ half shopping but mostly just watching the consumers consume. I was checked by an old lady while attempting to reach for a product. She wanted to walk in front of me and I guess she decided to because she did it quite well and with a, “harrumph”, rather than an, “Excuse me”. I also wished her a, “Merry Christmas”. She ignored me.

Hi Folks,

Well, I finally took the plunge into this so called blogoshpere, fashionably late again. In the upcoming days, weeks and months I guess we’ll see if it pans out.  I’m not completely sure why I’m doing this other than to vent on my keyboard so if you enjoy it or loathe it just leave a comment and let us all know how you’re doing.